Indecisive, Compare, Regret

If I was given a chance to change only one thing about myself, I won't change myself into a hot girl with gorgeous body, neither having a healthier body, nor abandoning my extremely laziness and last minute-ness. I'm seriously fed up with my indecisiveness. I'm fat and unhealthy, I can still put the blame on food, no time to exercise and etc. more of any lame excuses. For laziness and last minute-ness, at least I can sacrifice my sleeping time, stay up late and study. Indecisiveness only leads to regrets, especially when you get something that you think that you could get a better one,  did something that you could perform better and even letting go someone that you could never get a better one.

Scenario 1: 
Saw something nice (A). Went to another shop and saw something equally nice (B)

Compare: To buy A or B. A is nice but B is nice too. But somehow A is cheaper and B is more expensive. But B looks better in a way. A has a better function anyhow. B has great reviews from friends. A is highly recommended by the sales girl.

Indecisive: Struggling to make a decision so badly and in the end just choose one randomly.

Regret: After buying A home, can't stop thinking about B. Keep thinking that I should had bought B. Regret. Pissed. Sien. Went back to buy B again.

Consequences: Spent 2 times the money than I should. Abandon A, creating another rubbish at home.

Scenario 2:
Dealing with people. To care or not to care.

Compare: If I care too much, I will not get the equal treatment in return. Maybe I will just be ignored, maybe 好心没好报, maybe people thinks that you are annoying and you should just mind your own business. If not to care, what if something happen to that someone just because that I don't give a F about it? What if we cannot be friends anymore as friends are supposed to help each other?

Indecisive: In the end, choose to care for just that I don't dare to take the risk and guilt if something bad really happen.

Regret: Efforts not being appreciated, being used, 好心有时候真的是没有好报的。

Consequences: Can only blame my own stupidity, can only pissed on myself as no one told me to be so called gepo about the incident.


Scenario 3:
Relationship. To hold on or not to hold on.

Compare: If hold on, both parties are going to suffer. If let go, both parties are going to suffer either. Maybe let go each of us has the chance to find happiness from someone else again? Maybe holding on I won't hurt him that much?

Indecisive: Struggling to make a decision. Since 长痛不如短痛，choose to let go.

Consequences: Realized letting go is the real 长痛，struggling to forget about him, wanted to make up for the relationship again, but he had found someone already. Again, BLAME YOURSELF !!!


I hate feeling regret. I hate it when I can't find someone to blame on, can't find someone to let go of my anger, and the only thing I can do is blame myself. Scolding and screaming on someone is so much easier than screaming out loud inside your heart as if it is going to burst soon and there's no sound coming out.

I hate it when I did something that I knew i shouldn't do and then apologize for it. I know I will get a "nevermind" or "it's ok" for sure. But wounds aren't that easy to be sealed, especially those that hurt your heart. What's left is only guilt.

I hate this. I hate it when I can't make a decision that satisfies me. I hate it when I cant forsee the consequences. I hate to feel regret. I hate to feel guilty. I hate myself for feeling all these. FML

Posted by ♀ j i a m e i ♂ at 4:13 AM